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Grammy Awards 2013: Winners, Nominees, and All the LIVE Updates

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10 Best Grammy Awards Moments

Picture Credit: John Shearer/Invision/AP

Tonight's 3 and a half hour Grammy Award Ceremony was filled with a high quantity of mid to mid/high-quality moments. We have to focus on these quantities if we want to come away with a good picture of this incredible and mostly forgettable night of pretty good music. 

I've gathered here my preliminary estimates for a special report, which I am calling

The Grammys By The Numbys (or, The Grammers by the Numbers)

A carefully calculated list of the night's most nutrageous and salient moments.

 

12: # of times LL Cool J licked his lips

[PSA = 1: # of ChapSticks it takes to heal dry, weather beaten lips]

8: # of times LL Cool J told a bullshit story about the Grammys being music

4: # of awards Dan Auderbach of the Black Keys won (Highest # of awards won by a single artist tonight)

2: # of awards fun. won (Lamest # of awards won by a single artist tonight)

0: # of awards you or I or any of your friends won (How fucked is that?!)

8: # of times Taylor Swift got giddy and clapped like a schoolgirl

2: # of Marleys that graced the stage

.125: # of Bob Marley songs hat got sung

8: # of times Taylor Swift got giddy and clapped like a schoolgirl

2,000,000: # of Chris Brown and Rihanna tweets 

2: # of fucks Rihanna gives about all those Chris Brown and Rihanna tweets

I hope you all enjoyed your nights. Be well.

LIVE YouTube: Frank Ocean's Performance Falls Flat and He Loses Album of The Year to Mumford & Sons

Picture Credit: MTV.com

The last performance of the night, after all the kidlets are in bed, and our ears are tired in need of sweet refreshment, we have Frank Ocean.

After all the pizazz and hoopla his performance that saturated every other minute of the night, Frank’s performance fell a little flat for me. I was a big fan of the stage design, with the running graphic going on at his legs while he stood at the piano. Frank stripped down his song “Forest Gump” to only its piano chords and guitar swoowoops. It all was relying on his voice and when he missed those few notes that he did the whole thing fell apart.

Arranging your song like that and ending with a whistle solo at the Grammys takes some balls. It’s impressive, in a way, but it’s not going to make a whole lot of new listeners go run out and buy your album, Frank Ocean. And that’s why your album loses to Mumford & Sons.

Mumford & Sons are not the winner I expected at all. But I will say they're a better choice than fun.

That's it. Last award of the night. Here's a Mumford & Sons gif for you:

Good night.

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Gotye Wins For Record of the Year

Picture Credit: Getty Images / VH1

I called it. Scroll down. I called it.

This song deserved it. It’s a really well-made song, very beautifully orchestrated and performed with a subtlety that is rarely seen in pop music today. His rare talents probably come from the fact that Gotye is at heart an alternative artist, who happened to stumble to the forefront of the mainstream purely by accident. He charmed an entire culture with that song and I’m happy that his achievements are being recognized tonight.

The question that now remains is how will Gotye follow this up? Will he retreat back to his alternative niche, or remain in the limelight?

fun. Wins For Best New Artists Beating Out A Lot of Better New Artists

Picture Credit: mtv.com

fun.?! (<--look at all that punctuation! I'm flabbergasted!!) 

fun. wins over Frank Ocean?!!?

They got up on the mic and said themselves: "We did not think we were gonna win this category: Frank Ocean, The Lumineers..." Yes, you should not have won, and we're all disappointed. You have no live show, you have a sub-standard album, and a Top 40 mega-hit, and that last thing means nothing in terms musical prowess when your biggest competition is "Call Me Maybe".

Every award fun. wins tonight is going to add to my frustration.

Ed Sheeran and Elton John Grammy Awards 2013: Watch LIVE

Picture Credit: rickgobe / YouTube

Elton John and Ed Sheeran's performance was a meaningful and heartwarming moment, made so much sweeter and nessessary after Taylor Swift's opening catastrophe.

Elton John’s voice sounds a lot rougher than it once did, but it complimented Ed Sheeran’s angelic whisper beautifully. And Sir John's classic showman's piano was orchestrated well with Sheeran's really poorly EQ'd acoustic guitar. The two's instruments and voices clashed and harmonized in a raw and human way.

How flattering it must to be a young upstart and do a duet with a legend like Elton John, and have him sing your song. Good music.

Frank Ocean Wins His First Grammy

Picture Credit: Chicago Tribune

I loved his speech. He said something along the lines of:

I know most people say the best way to deal with a crowd is to image them naked. But no, I'd rather enjoy this moment and see everybody for what they are: little kids in tuxedos acting fancy.

The boy's clever. They all did seem like extremely beautiful little kids out there on the red carpet, having awkward conversations with each other, flaunting all the things they bought at the mall over the weeked. He's got a funny imagination.

So he's won at least one. He's up for a bunch more tonight. We'll see what he gets

Justin Timberlake Grammy 2013 Performance: Watch LIVE

Picture Credit: Just Jared

Oooh nice sepia tone Hipstagraming, Grammys.

Justin Timberlake hasn’t lost a thing. That performance had class, not just faux sepia tone/bandstand class, real class. High class dancing, rapping, fancy string section, tight band. Damn, that falsetto! So tight! Very nice JT.

I’m a fan of that new song he played. Don’t even know the name. “Little Push of Love”? Sounds like some old soulful Al Green. Very smooth.

Beyonce and Ellen said it right in their introduction: the man is born to make music.

I wonder what his secret announcement. It really couldn’t do much more to add to the hype that that performance alone will generate for him. Probably a new tour or something:

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Grammy Predictions 2013: fun. Will Win Big

Picture Credit: Just Jared

So most of the “minor awards”, (such as Best Rock Album, Best Rap Album, Best insert genre here Record, basically every award except the Big 4) have already been confirmed and given out, which is weird because the Grammys are only 50 minutes into their broadcast.

The big winners went by a lot of my predictions including Skrillex, who swept the dance categories; The Black Keys, who won all they were up for thus far; Gotye, who won for Best Pop Duo and for Best Alternative Album. Jay-Z has gotten two thus far. Drake won for Best Rap Album (which is an insult to the genre!) beating out two of the best to ever do it that offered masterpiece albums this year: Nas and The Roots.

 For the Big 4, I predict:

-       Record of the Year is going to fun. “We Are Young”

-       Song of the Year is a toss up. Either "We Are Young" or “Stronger”. Doesn’t matter either way. It’s all just me trying to crawl inside the demented mind of the pop machine. They’re about to announce it. Gonna post my prediction. We’ll see if I’m right in a minute.

-       Best New Artist is Frank Ocean, for sure

-       Album of the Year is going to Frank Ocean channel: Orange

 

Taylor Swift's Opening Performance

Picture Credit: Hollywood Life

I’m very confused by Taylor Swift’s opening performance.

She was the sexy ringleader of an Alice in Wonderland circus carnival, trying to squash out some nerd’s testicles with her stilettos. She was surrounded by fire spinners, stilt-walkers in fat suits, and tricycle riding maniac clowns. It made my eyes hurt.

It was a random assortment of bizarre and absurdist images choreographing a very simple and straightforward song. The performance seems to follow the trends set by a lot of the random and flashy pop videos these days—the Candy Land sequence in Katy Perry’s “California Girls” or any of Gaga’s videos. Taylor Swift’s opening performance came off as even more stilted and confused than these other examples because the song she sang is so unpretentious and simple. 

The performance was ridiculous and incongruous on so many levels.

Grammy Awards Live Stream: Red Carpet Pt. 2

Picture Credit: Just Jared

Adele looked like Mary Poppins, or a school teacher from the 1950s, with that full-sleeved floral dress. It's so conservative that it feels like a subtly crafted protest against the dress code memo. Like a fashion backhand slap: "No skin? How about full-sleeve picnic-tablecloth dress? Take that for your conservative 'elegant' standards."

It's just awful that a woman can't wear revealing and ravishing dresses, but CBS allows that guy to walk around in an astronaut suit and that bum Skrillex walk around looking like a wiccan priest. What's elegant about that? Maybe it's not about elegance. What's it about then? All sorts of mixed up priorities.

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Grammy Awards 2013: Winners, Nominees, and All the LIVE Updates

Picture Credit: Flickr Creative Commons

Six artists are tied for most nominations at this year's Grammy Awards — rappers Kanye West and Jay-Z, young R&B singer Frank Ocean, Dan Auerbach of The Black Keys, Mumford & Sons, and fun.

Frank Ocean, Mumford & Sons, and fun. are competing in many of the same categories, including Record of the Year, Album of the Year, and Best New Artist.

The show will feature performances by Rihanna (of course), Mumford & Sons, the Black Keys, Taylor Swift (always), and fun. Rihanna and Taylor are up for three awards apiece. These few beloved nominees will be very busy, running back and forth from their seats to the dressing rooms to the stage to the podium. They'll be sweating hard and getting lots of airtime when awards go live February 10.

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