Since the 9/11 attacks eleven years ago, the federal government has enacted a myriad of new laws in response designed to prevent future terrorist attacks. One of those laws was the Homeland Security Act, which created the Department of Homeland Security and its Transportation Security Administration. Since its inception, the TSA's army of blue-gloved employees have come to know America's air travelers on an intimate level. As we're about to see, that relationship is very intimate. Here are 11 ways TSA agents put the moves on you.
1. The Full Frontal
TSA agents have only a few moments to get know you. For the more aggressive ones, that means not fooling around with massages and back rubs, but instead going straight for the crotch-shot.
2. The V-Neck
There's nothing like the loving hands of a TSA agent working their way down from your neck to the nether regions of your body. It's the TSA's way of saying, "Hey, you're not bad!"
3. The Reach-Through
Not to be confused with the reach-around, the TSA reach-through enables agents with shorter arms to make sure travelers are satisfied with their airport security experience.
4. The Beckinsale
If you think celebrities get special treatment, think again. Not even Kate Beckinsale could escape the wandering hands of TSA's finest.
5. The Pedo-Pat
Because the TSA believes in full equality, agents frequently select children for patdowns. It's well-known that children often feel neglected, but when it comes to the TSA, there is no kids' table.
6. The Virgin Mary
Although nuns are known for their celibacy, that doesn't mean they can't enjoy some innocent dry caressing at the hands of friendly TSA agents.
7. The Karate Chop
Fans of S&M will enjoy the TSA karate chop, which is one of the rougher moves in the agency's foreplaybook. If you wish to receive a TSA karate chop, you may have to sign a waiver.
8. The Shoulder Rub
There's nothing like a good old-fashioned shoulder rub. All TSA agents have been specially trained in magically rubbing away all kinds of kinks and strains that might be hampering your deltoid muscles.
9. The Sideboob Grab
While TSA agents are famous for the careful attention they pay to your pelvic area, breasts need love too, which is why employees aren't shy about checking upstairs as well.
10. The Thigh High
Many airports are huge, which means lots of walking for travelers. And that means legs can get sore. Thankfully, TSA agents have also been trained in the art of leg massages. It's important to keep those hamstrings from getting too tight!
11. The No Child Left Behind
Because no one should be made to feel left out because of physical disability. Even if that person is a toddler.